When were you born? If you were to ask your boss, then the answer is yesterday. Since all the people in the office are all morons, then your boss should be more of the controller of time and space continuum, because he can freeze time and will always make you born yesterday.
1. We are a team here, so we always help each other.
2. The world is so big.
3. There is a sun in the morning and moon in the evening.
So those are just a few things that you can be treated in the office. Either your co-workers will make you like you were born yesterday or you are just simply ignored.
How to dodge such useless employees?
- Shout always in the office even after taking a bathroom break.
- Train your eyes to look far.
- During a conversation cough hard as if you're lungs are stronger,
- Do not attend meeting immediately, attend 15 minutes before it is finished, and take the last words of the meeting.
Never write minutes of the meeting. That's a helpful tool for pretending
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Energy Saving 101
Whenever you are at the workplace, make sure that you have an energy saving scheme. If you've heard of the famous Pareto Law or the 80-20 law, where 80% is the effect and 20% is the cause, then you're lucky that the most practical application can be found here.
The law can actually be applied to save energy, simply by making it:
20% = work (did i spell it correctly?)
80% = rest (surf the internet, use facebook as your main page, use proxies and tunneling to escape restricted sites such as money-making sites)
Why?
You've got a lot of work to do and it is exponential. Let's say you invested 3 hours to work, that would be 9 hours in reality. Worse if you thought to work 6 hours, because that means 36.
Why?
Whenever you sit down at your cubicle, you won't start immediately (talk about diesel powered engine vehicles - yes that's you), but that's fine because the overrated superstars will just glance at the computer monitor trying to understand why the screen saver is bouncing the ball and why does it stop whenever you move even a milli-inch of movement of your mouse.
Then, you try to work. And you will suddenly feel stress because what has been explained is so vague that you're like trying to cut a carabao's skin using a nailcutter. But then again that's fine, because the overrated superstars on your company would have a hard time opening the spreadsheets because it is being modified by another user and he won't be able to continue from there.
The last time you thought about working, you were just finished surfing the web, and it would be lunch break, or moreover 5Pm and it's time to leave.
So you know that you can't spend more than 20% of the time to work. Because if you try to go beyond that, then you're in for an exponential aging rate and your potency will decrease 5x that the gorilla will laugh about because they had more sex than you had in the last 2 years.
So, save your energy, because you'll just realize that you were 40 years old you didn't know that your hair has been growing thinner, you can't even pick up ladies with your most practiced childhood pick-up lines.
The law can actually be applied to save energy, simply by making it:
20% = work (did i spell it correctly?)
80% = rest (surf the internet, use facebook as your main page, use proxies and tunneling to escape restricted sites such as money-making sites)
Why?
You've got a lot of work to do and it is exponential. Let's say you invested 3 hours to work, that would be 9 hours in reality. Worse if you thought to work 6 hours, because that means 36.
Why?
Whenever you sit down at your cubicle, you won't start immediately (talk about diesel powered engine vehicles - yes that's you), but that's fine because the overrated superstars will just glance at the computer monitor trying to understand why the screen saver is bouncing the ball and why does it stop whenever you move even a milli-inch of movement of your mouse.
Then, you try to work. And you will suddenly feel stress because what has been explained is so vague that you're like trying to cut a carabao's skin using a nailcutter. But then again that's fine, because the overrated superstars on your company would have a hard time opening the spreadsheets because it is being modified by another user and he won't be able to continue from there.
The last time you thought about working, you were just finished surfing the web, and it would be lunch break, or moreover 5Pm and it's time to leave.
So you know that you can't spend more than 20% of the time to work. Because if you try to go beyond that, then you're in for an exponential aging rate and your potency will decrease 5x that the gorilla will laugh about because they had more sex than you had in the last 2 years.
So, save your energy, because you'll just realize that you were 40 years old you didn't know that your hair has been growing thinner, you can't even pick up ladies with your most practiced childhood pick-up lines.
What kind of boss do you have?
Of course there will be quite a lot if you will try to think the best adjectives that you can enumerate. I'll make myself handicapped here because these will be impromptu:
1. Senseless Coward
2. Whimsical Fantasy Master
3. Creative Juice Extractor
4. Delinquent Tracking Doctor
5. Fornication Specialist
Anyway, these are just suggestions, but you can still call your boss a Tormentor of Dreams.
Although these are instictive, one of the most striking one will be the Emphatic Liar. Basically, this type of boss just say things (and that means any things) even though he doesn't know what he is talking about, and he will always be energized by what he is doing. This energizing and orgasmic lies ultimately creates a dimension in the mind of the perpetrator that he just did the best thing he did since the last time he learned that oil and water cannot be mixed.
Another amazing boss are the Self-Overraters. This boss is quite dangerous, because it will always put the hype on something even though it hasn't been materializing yet or just wants something to report and to look very brilliant. This has been always effective because bosses that do this act are those that had a lot of experience and will never fail to
capitalize even on the most dry accomplishment that even a dengue-carrying mosquito won't even bite into.
Create a good plan to be whimsical and try to fantasize yourself in a portal of greatness and memorize all the kinds of motivational lies that you've received. Digest it and analyze if the taste of mayonnaise is much better.
1. Senseless Coward
2. Whimsical Fantasy Master
3. Creative Juice Extractor
4. Delinquent Tracking Doctor
5. Fornication Specialist
Anyway, these are just suggestions, but you can still call your boss a Tormentor of Dreams.
Although these are instictive, one of the most striking one will be the Emphatic Liar. Basically, this type of boss just say things (and that means any things) even though he doesn't know what he is talking about, and he will always be energized by what he is doing. This energizing and orgasmic lies ultimately creates a dimension in the mind of the perpetrator that he just did the best thing he did since the last time he learned that oil and water cannot be mixed.
Another amazing boss are the Self-Overraters. This boss is quite dangerous, because it will always put the hype on something even though it hasn't been materializing yet or just wants something to report and to look very brilliant. This has been always effective because bosses that do this act are those that had a lot of experience and will never fail to
capitalize even on the most dry accomplishment that even a dengue-carrying mosquito won't even bite into.
Create a good plan to be whimsical and try to fantasize yourself in a portal of greatness and memorize all the kinds of motivational lies that you've received. Digest it and analyze if the taste of mayonnaise is much better.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Repetitive Crap
So, it happens that there's a concept of another retard that keeps on telling the same things over and over again, and for some reasons that person makes the person look good.
For example,
"This coffee maker has been making coffee. And it tastes like coffee!!!!"
If you're in that scenario, then you're in big trouble. Make sure to get the highest quality ear muffs or buy the best noise canceling headphones. It has been a very strong habit for these retards to repeat things over and over again to make them feel they are supreme and they are the best.
It would be a good tactic to hear a little about it, then try to munch a crunchy peanut and munch it like a pig while someone is talking the same thing. Or, try to play mini basketball. How? Get a paper - 1/2 of it, use it as a ring. The remaining part - pinch small pieces and those will be your small basketball to be shot at the 1/2 ring. It's a healthy mind exercise and who knows you might be able to create an origami during the next minutes of repetitive discussions.
Crap repetitions.
For example,
"This coffee maker has been making coffee. And it tastes like coffee!!!!"
If you're in that scenario, then you're in big trouble. Make sure to get the highest quality ear muffs or buy the best noise canceling headphones. It has been a very strong habit for these retards to repeat things over and over again to make them feel they are supreme and they are the best.
It would be a good tactic to hear a little about it, then try to munch a crunchy peanut and munch it like a pig while someone is talking the same thing. Or, try to play mini basketball. How? Get a paper - 1/2 of it, use it as a ring. The remaining part - pinch small pieces and those will be your small basketball to be shot at the 1/2 ring. It's a healthy mind exercise and who knows you might be able to create an origami during the next minutes of repetitive discussions.
Crap repetitions.
The Boss is Here
In connection to what the boss is capable to do, ensure that you're prepared to situations that you will be made to kneel down and worship the highest being you've ever encountered on the next 8 or probably 16 hours of your life (if you have a sadistic boss) when you're dealing with your boss.
Boss: Worship me, because I'm gonna make or break your career
Clown: (kneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel)
That is a bad example. For my part, I will never do that action for that piece of crap = boss. They are made to say the best things. They always say the great sermons. They are always the most ideal. And if you believe in that, then you've just sold your soul to a prostitute with a venereal disease.
Sometimes it would be good to shift your thinking to be against your boss. It wouldn't be bad to try it out. Try to shove your boss' face while he is discussing his sermon. Or, while at his prime lecturing the notes that are repetitive to many that many already know and is still being discussed.
When you are successful shoving your boss to the head, let us know here how long did your boss pass out. That would be an interesting story to tell.
Boss: Worship me, because I'm gonna make or break your career
Clown: (kneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel)
That is a bad example. For my part, I will never do that action for that piece of crap = boss. They are made to say the best things. They always say the great sermons. They are always the most ideal. And if you believe in that, then you've just sold your soul to a prostitute with a venereal disease.
Sometimes it would be good to shift your thinking to be against your boss. It wouldn't be bad to try it out. Try to shove your boss' face while he is discussing his sermon. Or, while at his prime lecturing the notes that are repetitive to many that many already know and is still being discussed.
When you are successful shoving your boss to the head, let us know here how long did your boss pass out. That would be an interesting story to tell.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Boss - bullshit officer seeking sex
To make a boss more friendly and understandable, it could be remembered via the acronym:
B - Bullshirt
O - Officer
S - Seeking
S - Sex
That didn't make sense, but I guess you've got my point. Yes, I hate bosses. Bosses were typically made to annoy and give sermons that will just make them look great. Whatever calmness or words of wisdom you receive during your interaction, at the end of the day, you are still the biggest mole at the bottom of his lip that he'd want to get a laser on because you are too much cancerous to be with.
Bosses would want to give sermons in the middle of a crowd of losers, because he'll feel that he's the supreme being ever created in the office. So make it a point to dodge those situations, because if you were in one, then you're in a one quicksand ride that will surely drown your patience and your ego down the hole.
Happy breathing.
B - Bullshirt
O - Officer
S - Seeking
S - Sex
That didn't make sense, but I guess you've got my point. Yes, I hate bosses. Bosses were typically made to annoy and give sermons that will just make them look great. Whatever calmness or words of wisdom you receive during your interaction, at the end of the day, you are still the biggest mole at the bottom of his lip that he'd want to get a laser on because you are too much cancerous to be with.
Bosses would want to give sermons in the middle of a crowd of losers, because he'll feel that he's the supreme being ever created in the office. So make it a point to dodge those situations, because if you were in one, then you're in a one quicksand ride that will surely drown your patience and your ego down the hole.
Happy breathing.
Why am I even writing here? Am I a mediocre?
Mediocrity is the most commonly used, yet still a powerful jargon when it comes to employee performance. So why am I writing this blog, when normally those who are always flunking and plunging down deep in the office are those that write these senseless piece of crap. Well, I guess not all. I happened to become a part of a leadership team and belonging to such vast and great product.
With all the greatness my company could potentially have, why would I even bother riding in the bandwagon of "losers" for expressing their frustrations online? Well, I guess the bunch of "losers" have already wised up, because as we all know, and what we should know, all employees are jerks and are idiots.
There are so many decisions, make it millions of decisions made everyday, and 80% of that should be bad. The remaining 20% should be good enough, it won't cause oil crisis worldwide. With all these bad decisions, where do we position ourselves? Either someone waits, another person takes a little move, yet still waits and takes extra precautionary measures, while the other just dives into the situation. But in the end, if it were a bad decision, then you'd sit on your desk and think for yourself now a new familiar name of a blog that will cover frustations + employment without being a duplicate to this site. Go write, and let's spread the word of being straightforward employees and kicking the shit out of the true mediocre ones.
With all the greatness my company could potentially have, why would I even bother riding in the bandwagon of "losers" for expressing their frustrations online? Well, I guess the bunch of "losers" have already wised up, because as we all know, and what we should know, all employees are jerks and are idiots.
There are so many decisions, make it millions of decisions made everyday, and 80% of that should be bad. The remaining 20% should be good enough, it won't cause oil crisis worldwide. With all these bad decisions, where do we position ourselves? Either someone waits, another person takes a little move, yet still waits and takes extra precautionary measures, while the other just dives into the situation. But in the end, if it were a bad decision, then you'd sit on your desk and think for yourself now a new familiar name of a blog that will cover frustations + employment without being a duplicate to this site. Go write, and let's spread the word of being straightforward employees and kicking the shit out of the true mediocre ones.
The Frustated Employee
This is a blog to spill out my idiotic principles whenever I enter the realm - office.
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