Showing your talent is probably one of the hardest things to do in the realm called office. It's either of the two things:
1. You have the talent but it's always overshadowed by
2. Non-talented that has a good talent in yanking, whining, dramatizing, and kissing asses.
And you will notice on performance evaluation that you have been degraded to become the most useless individual to have been ever employed in your realm called office. The people in number 2 is actually good at the following:
1. Timing
2. And Perseverance to write the "last laugh" emails making that person smarter than you are.
The next thing you'll know, the person has already taken over your position, or could have bragged about what you've done and what another teammate from another cubicle in a "generalized" way, but centralizing all the achievements to himself. Most likely, you'll just receive some 50 pats at the back, while he receives a higher salary, a good administrative (because he is useless) position, or a leadership position because he is just too better than you did.
I'm sure the reason you reached up to this is because you are talent #1 above, and you are so frustrated why #2 has taken over you. And if you're #2, you will feel that you are #1, but you are doing the next section's #1 and #2 to become #1.
So how do you become successful? There's only one genuine thing that is effective. Surround yourselves with #3 - dead people. That will surely make you always #1.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Report, Status Report, Updates, FYI
In the old ages, the king will always have a messenger that will report to its kingdom the latest buzz and happenings (In the old ages, maybe they're not yet using the word "buzz" and "happenings". They might be using "bulletin" or "hear ye, hear ye", or the "king's speech".)
And of course, this was done on a regular interval. That could be weekly, monthly, annually, or whenever the king would like to boost his ego and say great things to his kingdom. On the other hand, the messenger will always do his best as well to report great things to his king. It could be that the biggest apple farm are producing red apples, the most beautiful girl in the kingdom would like to visit the king (again, a boost to the king's egoistical sex appeal), or the kingdom became the biggest because an earthquake occurred which shifted the tectonic plates to another land which connected the kingdom's land to another territory.
Nonetheless, whether the messenger reports to the king and the king would like to say something that the messenger would report to the minions of the kingdom, it would always contain a "status". And they've always made sure that the status is excellent and dominating and contained jargon which only the messenger or the king could understand and because the minions are too lazy to think about what the status is all about, all they need to do is to worship for whatever that is, because they all have to return home and nourish their stomachs or sex lives.
How the contents are formulated for the "reports" would still be applicable even in the modern era, it's just that we're now using the emails, presentations, spreadsheets, charts, tables, video package, multimedia, beautiful promo girls, soundproof auditoriums, etc. It's not really far on how contents are fabricated. In line with leaders who are very good in exaggerating events to be shared with his peers or to his supervisors, that's how status reports, updates, FYIs are delivered.
For example,
"The project is in process, but with no progress"
translates to
"The team is actively looking into it, and very much engaged into verifying the details that are needed to complete this request"
Another classic example,
"The way you did it, sucked"
translates to
"This is one of the biggest challenge that has come into our team. Let's hold hands and share a common goal. Let's always make sure that we focus on quality."
And, an informative email:
"I'm not doing anything. So what now? Verify how the dinosaurs became extinct????"
translates to
"It has been a little steady and quiet lately. I've been consistently monitoring our queue while thinking of possible process improvement for our product."
In whichever way it is written, or in whichever medium is being delivered, the contents will always be the same - jargon, repetitive, and most importantly - "promising hope".
So the next time that you are tasked to send any information to your team or to anyone in your company, make sure that it contains the best jargon that you can find that is a little bit related to the job, but will be a little ambiguous as well because the readers won't pay much attention in searching via Google what you mean. They will simply get to the subject or even on the first lines of your email / newsletter, then send it somewhere hidden.
If your readers are reading your status too well, then your readers are not doing so much work or their attention span is extraordinary, or they are part of a technical writing committee and trying to do a survey if people nowadays know how to write and construct paragraph, sentences, and if you're following the right subject-verb-agreement.
Send FYIs with a bang. Say something like - "FYI - the world is still round, don't worry, I used Google to verify".
And of course, this was done on a regular interval. That could be weekly, monthly, annually, or whenever the king would like to boost his ego and say great things to his kingdom. On the other hand, the messenger will always do his best as well to report great things to his king. It could be that the biggest apple farm are producing red apples, the most beautiful girl in the kingdom would like to visit the king (again, a boost to the king's egoistical sex appeal), or the kingdom became the biggest because an earthquake occurred which shifted the tectonic plates to another land which connected the kingdom's land to another territory.
Nonetheless, whether the messenger reports to the king and the king would like to say something that the messenger would report to the minions of the kingdom, it would always contain a "status". And they've always made sure that the status is excellent and dominating and contained jargon which only the messenger or the king could understand and because the minions are too lazy to think about what the status is all about, all they need to do is to worship for whatever that is, because they all have to return home and nourish their stomachs or sex lives.
How the contents are formulated for the "reports" would still be applicable even in the modern era, it's just that we're now using the emails, presentations, spreadsheets, charts, tables, video package, multimedia, beautiful promo girls, soundproof auditoriums, etc. It's not really far on how contents are fabricated. In line with leaders who are very good in exaggerating events to be shared with his peers or to his supervisors, that's how status reports, updates, FYIs are delivered.
For example,
"The project is in process, but with no progress"
translates to
"The team is actively looking into it, and very much engaged into verifying the details that are needed to complete this request"
Another classic example,
"The way you did it, sucked"
translates to
"This is one of the biggest challenge that has come into our team. Let's hold hands and share a common goal. Let's always make sure that we focus on quality."
And, an informative email:
"I'm not doing anything. So what now? Verify how the dinosaurs became extinct????"
translates to
"It has been a little steady and quiet lately. I've been consistently monitoring our queue while thinking of possible process improvement for our product."
In whichever way it is written, or in whichever medium is being delivered, the contents will always be the same - jargon, repetitive, and most importantly - "promising hope".
So the next time that you are tasked to send any information to your team or to anyone in your company, make sure that it contains the best jargon that you can find that is a little bit related to the job, but will be a little ambiguous as well because the readers won't pay much attention in searching via Google what you mean. They will simply get to the subject or even on the first lines of your email / newsletter, then send it somewhere hidden.
If your readers are reading your status too well, then your readers are not doing so much work or their attention span is extraordinary, or they are part of a technical writing committee and trying to do a survey if people nowadays know how to write and construct paragraph, sentences, and if you're following the right subject-verb-agreement.
Send FYIs with a bang. Say something like - "FYI - the world is still round, don't worry, I used Google to verify".
Taking Credit
If you are known to be the passionate individual in your realm called "office", then you are in big trouble. For example, in the I.T. industry, passionate individuals are often the "it" in every team that will do every single "technically" related job. In the logistics department, the "it" will always be the one in-charge in doing the "logistically" related job. In the academe, the "it" will always be a substitute for every "academic" related job. Regardless of where the job is related, you will always remain to be an "it", but at the end of the day, it just proved that you are a reliable resource that can be counted on and will forever be tagged in the minds of the perpetrators to be an "it" of a lifetime.
Now, let's drill that down. Why are those perpetrators always making you do the dirty job? Basically, because it's dirty and those in the upper management would always want to have the cleanest hands - relatively, it's a major part of looking good. Once you are able to do the dirty job in covering all kinds of things that you've almost run the whole operation of your team, your boss will simply say, good job. The next thing you'll know, you will have again a humongous stack of work to do, while your boss is drinking coffee, eating donuts, playing solitaire, and having phone sex with the secretary. Or, if you have the greatest strategic boss, then your boss gets all of the credit for the work you've done.
Or, if you have a practical officemate, they could just simply steal the credit from you by saying.
"IN SUMMARY, we can cut the wages of the employees for lower budget costs"
"ON TOP OF THAT, we can reduce the lights so that the monitors will give an outer space ambience"
"GOOD JOB. The good thing here is that everybody now knows that the sun doesn't sleep when it's the evening."
Notice the emphasized keywords. These are strong keywords that make you look good even though you didn't do much of all the work, yet it appears that you've summarized everything and makes you look that you are on top of the food chain and that you are the invulnerable species in your team.
Make sure that when you mention such keywords that you will do this at almost the end of the meeting and you won't let anyone do the summary first. You do it first with a poker face and that would make the other summarizers worry that a person smarter than them has landed on earth. Once you've mastered this principle, you will feel the benefit of being on top of the food chain without too much effort and intervention.
Relax and take it easy.
Now, let's drill that down. Why are those perpetrators always making you do the dirty job? Basically, because it's dirty and those in the upper management would always want to have the cleanest hands - relatively, it's a major part of looking good. Once you are able to do the dirty job in covering all kinds of things that you've almost run the whole operation of your team, your boss will simply say, good job. The next thing you'll know, you will have again a humongous stack of work to do, while your boss is drinking coffee, eating donuts, playing solitaire, and having phone sex with the secretary. Or, if you have the greatest strategic boss, then your boss gets all of the credit for the work you've done.
Or, if you have a practical officemate, they could just simply steal the credit from you by saying.
"IN SUMMARY, we can cut the wages of the employees for lower budget costs"
"ON TOP OF THAT, we can reduce the lights so that the monitors will give an outer space ambience"
"GOOD JOB. The good thing here is that everybody now knows that the sun doesn't sleep when it's the evening."
Notice the emphasized keywords. These are strong keywords that make you look good even though you didn't do much of all the work, yet it appears that you've summarized everything and makes you look that you are on top of the food chain and that you are the invulnerable species in your team.
Make sure that when you mention such keywords that you will do this at almost the end of the meeting and you won't let anyone do the summary first. You do it first with a poker face and that would make the other summarizers worry that a person smarter than them has landed on earth. Once you've mastered this principle, you will feel the benefit of being on top of the food chain without too much effort and intervention.
Relax and take it easy.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
"Great leaders" are natural salesmen
You might have an idea on what I'm talking about here. If you thought that leaders are usually sales people, that's partially correct. If you thought that leaders are natural slave drivers that spend a lot of time thinking how to sell Viagra without letting its buyer determine its dangerous side effects, then you are partially correct. If you thought that leaders have the ability to lure you to the exciting career and the wild ride of your life, and make you believe that you are in the right place without any ambiguity, then that's what a great leader is all about.
There will be a lot of instances that you will suddenly feel either of the following:
1. I don't find any value on things that I'm doing.
2. The things that I'm doing are either rhetorical or something that my pet dog can eventually do.
3. I don't know where I'm going to, how do I move forward, I'm confused and my sex drive has been degraded as well.
On these instances, a great leader would feel the energy to dive into these situations and reap the best out of your mess (which will make your leader look good). And even though great leaders are the most egoistic clowns that they are, they would still have a "concern" for you and would have the most epic conversations that could possibly make a wasted employee retain.
That's a dangerous situation. If you have been talked out by your great leader out of your mess, then you've just sold your soul to the creature that is more evil than the devil. Here are some signs that you're already being talked out and is slowly transforming you to the extra terrestrial species that you are becoming:
1. Your leader would say that you are important to the company and your loss would be very drastic that the best flowers in the world won't be pollinated by bees and won't bloom anymore.
2. If you have a concern that you're not being paid well, then you're boss will make you want to realize that you can have all the money in the world, but you won't be satisfied with the way you're living and zombies will always eat you alive and your dreams and you will always be haunted by ghosts in your head that you will eventually explode and you will experience a nervous breakdown.
3. When you feel that you're not going anywhere, then you're boss will simply put you to "administrative" / "managerial" role because that's where useless creatures with less potentials will be safe without any impact to the company's delivery. Eventually, because you are so heartbroken and you feel that your sex appeal will be boosted by this non-impacting administrative role, you will still accept it and your boss will be worry-free from your tirades that could cause tensions.
In the end, great leaders wouldn't want tensions coming from attrition, because it lessens their sex appeal and they won't have a vast selection of people they can potentially have sex with. That would be a very bad story for great leaders when their slaves are leaving.
Now, that's what the sales people.
Rather, great leaders could do.
There will be a lot of instances that you will suddenly feel either of the following:
1. I don't find any value on things that I'm doing.
2. The things that I'm doing are either rhetorical or something that my pet dog can eventually do.
3. I don't know where I'm going to, how do I move forward, I'm confused and my sex drive has been degraded as well.
On these instances, a great leader would feel the energy to dive into these situations and reap the best out of your mess (which will make your leader look good). And even though great leaders are the most egoistic clowns that they are, they would still have a "concern" for you and would have the most epic conversations that could possibly make a wasted employee retain.
That's a dangerous situation. If you have been talked out by your great leader out of your mess, then you've just sold your soul to the creature that is more evil than the devil. Here are some signs that you're already being talked out and is slowly transforming you to the extra terrestrial species that you are becoming:
1. Your leader would say that you are important to the company and your loss would be very drastic that the best flowers in the world won't be pollinated by bees and won't bloom anymore.
2. If you have a concern that you're not being paid well, then you're boss will make you want to realize that you can have all the money in the world, but you won't be satisfied with the way you're living and zombies will always eat you alive and your dreams and you will always be haunted by ghosts in your head that you will eventually explode and you will experience a nervous breakdown.
3. When you feel that you're not going anywhere, then you're boss will simply put you to "administrative" / "managerial" role because that's where useless creatures with less potentials will be safe without any impact to the company's delivery. Eventually, because you are so heartbroken and you feel that your sex appeal will be boosted by this non-impacting administrative role, you will still accept it and your boss will be worry-free from your tirades that could cause tensions.
In the end, great leaders wouldn't want tensions coming from attrition, because it lessens their sex appeal and they won't have a vast selection of people they can potentially have sex with. That would be a very bad story for great leaders when their slaves are leaving.
Now, that's what the sales people.
Rather, great leaders could do.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Mediocrity - How to deal with it
Mediocrity is a commonly misused term.
It is rooted from the word "media" and since then this media group grew. It grew into a flourishing rise that it is comparable to acres of land. And the people wised up and thought, "It's media! And we're growing in acres", thus Mediocre.
I'm not suggesting that you dwell into that further.
Because of the misuse of the term, a mediocre is so hard to determine. All the while you have been thinking that the person next to you is the highest performer, but you might be a victim of a great pretender. Or, you don't have any idea that the "high performer" next to you has been making you look the worst being on earth and it compensates to the good looks of that person wrecking your idiotic career.
Given that you are one of the dumb people that has been lured into your company, your mind could have been closed to the mindset for your mediocre detractors to perfectly detain you to the lowest kind of being that you are. And since you reached reading up to this point, then that should be true. Nonetheless, you should have the tools to know if the person next to you is a mediocre:
1. The person sends a lot of emails containing a lot of "updates". These updates will always contain commanding words and a lot of adjectives and motivational lies that will make the person look good and that he knows all things that are happening.
As a tip for #1, don't ask the person about those updates, it will make the person look better, because he will raise his voice while explaining these updates and the "lured employees" will think- "Ahhh, this guy is the person I want to be in the next 5 years".
2. A true mediocre is a good liar. During meetings, expect that all things are "in progress" even though it's not being looked at.
3. These persons are like vultures that feasts on the mistakes until your idea is dead "dead" that no other vulture can scavenge upon. That person will rise up the situation and will say, "I have a better idea in mind" when all ideas would be better on a "mistake situation".
Given that a mediocre could be sitting right next to you, you should have the strongest defense:
A poker face is the key! Try doing a poker face always on your cubicle always even though you are at the worst situation. The mediocre might rattle because he doesn't know where to attack. A silent field is a profound weakness for people living in mediocrity.
When in meetings, let the mediocre speak out until he is done. Then pick up the pieces where he is missing things, then you speak for motivational lies as well. Oh, that made you a mediocre as well. At least you looked good.
It is rooted from the word "media" and since then this media group grew. It grew into a flourishing rise that it is comparable to acres of land. And the people wised up and thought, "It's media! And we're growing in acres", thus Mediocre.
I'm not suggesting that you dwell into that further.
Because of the misuse of the term, a mediocre is so hard to determine. All the while you have been thinking that the person next to you is the highest performer, but you might be a victim of a great pretender. Or, you don't have any idea that the "high performer" next to you has been making you look the worst being on earth and it compensates to the good looks of that person wrecking your idiotic career.
Given that you are one of the dumb people that has been lured into your company, your mind could have been closed to the mindset for your mediocre detractors to perfectly detain you to the lowest kind of being that you are. And since you reached reading up to this point, then that should be true. Nonetheless, you should have the tools to know if the person next to you is a mediocre:
1. The person sends a lot of emails containing a lot of "updates". These updates will always contain commanding words and a lot of adjectives and motivational lies that will make the person look good and that he knows all things that are happening.
As a tip for #1, don't ask the person about those updates, it will make the person look better, because he will raise his voice while explaining these updates and the "lured employees" will think- "Ahhh, this guy is the person I want to be in the next 5 years".
2. A true mediocre is a good liar. During meetings, expect that all things are "in progress" even though it's not being looked at.
3. These persons are like vultures that feasts on the mistakes until your idea is dead "dead" that no other vulture can scavenge upon. That person will rise up the situation and will say, "I have a better idea in mind" when all ideas would be better on a "mistake situation".
Given that a mediocre could be sitting right next to you, you should have the strongest defense:
A poker face is the key! Try doing a poker face always on your cubicle always even though you are at the worst situation. The mediocre might rattle because he doesn't know where to attack. A silent field is a profound weakness for people living in mediocrity.
When in meetings, let the mediocre speak out until he is done. Then pick up the pieces where he is missing things, then you speak for motivational lies as well. Oh, that made you a mediocre as well. At least you looked good.
Obsessive Compulsive
You will always meet someone who is obsessive compulsive in your company. They could be one of the following:
1. Vain, that every fold in his shirt should be very accurate
2. The Folder Arranger, that should have several files of folders and having multiple labels, and sorted from A-Z, biggest to smallest, pornographic to the most wholesome
3. The Outliner, all things that you've said should have outlines, wherein one topic outline should start from roman numeral I down to 1.1.1.1.1.1.1..1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.10.
Of all, you should befriend Number 1, because that person will always want to look good. And in the company, those who look good looks less idiotic. You will always want to hide your dumb self, yet make yourself the most professional being that earth is always happy to have.
Number 2 has the tendency to put you on one folder. You have to back off a bit from this person because the more you stay with him, the fatter the folder that you will have, eventually will become a binder, and then a shelf, and then a cabinet. Unless you want to have an autobiography, then stay with this person.
Number 3 or the outliner is someone you wouldn't want to have for your entire life. You will always have plans even the schedule of your bathroom breaks and what are your next plans in the next 3 minutes after you have brushed your teeth. If you haven't flossed, then you might be out of the plan. It's dangerous to have this person within a short proximity. Do not tell too much about your life with this person, because the next time you'll know, he'll have an outline on when you should have sex.
1. Vain, that every fold in his shirt should be very accurate
2. The Folder Arranger, that should have several files of folders and having multiple labels, and sorted from A-Z, biggest to smallest, pornographic to the most wholesome
3. The Outliner, all things that you've said should have outlines, wherein one topic outline should start from roman numeral I down to 1.1.1.1.1.1.1..1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.10.
Of all, you should befriend Number 1, because that person will always want to look good. And in the company, those who look good looks less idiotic. You will always want to hide your dumb self, yet make yourself the most professional being that earth is always happy to have.
Number 2 has the tendency to put you on one folder. You have to back off a bit from this person because the more you stay with him, the fatter the folder that you will have, eventually will become a binder, and then a shelf, and then a cabinet. Unless you want to have an autobiography, then stay with this person.
Number 3 or the outliner is someone you wouldn't want to have for your entire life. You will always have plans even the schedule of your bathroom breaks and what are your next plans in the next 3 minutes after you have brushed your teeth. If you haven't flossed, then you might be out of the plan. It's dangerous to have this person within a short proximity. Do not tell too much about your life with this person, because the next time you'll know, he'll have an outline on when you should have sex.
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